I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
