I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
