I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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