as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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