The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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