tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
