Do you still have your period?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
