I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
