I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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