My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
