those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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