I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
