My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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