Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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