but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
