I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
