i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
