I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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