Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
