I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
