I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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