I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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