Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
