he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
