Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
