started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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