Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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