so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
