Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
