Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
