you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
