let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
