Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
