how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
