if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You have to summon your inner elephant
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
