Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
