All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
