A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
