When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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