Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
