hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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