You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
