My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
