I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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