My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
