I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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