it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
