Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
