Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
