if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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