We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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